Thursday, April 21, 2005

family pee stories: part three

the adult diaper

have you ever noticed how when people got to visit friends and relatives in the hospital that they feel obliged to relate every tale of their own previous hospital stays? well, i have. probably because it pisses me off since i have no broken bone-mysterious illness-crazy doctor-experiences of my own. luckily the women in my family are extremely clumsy and tend to fall often. as a female member of my family i, too, tend to fall whenever i get the opportunity and, as it so happens, opportunity lies just around the corner for me. every corner. i have the bruises to prove it. however, since i am still young(ish) and drink lots of milk so my falls have yet to land me in the hospital. not so for my mother or grandmother.

just the other week my mother fell and found herself in the hospital with a fractured cranium (not to worry, she is recovering quite well) which reminded my grandmother of one of the many times that she fell and was herself in the hospital. (remember, this is not a sad story about injury and hospitals. it is about peeing. specifically peeing in your pants as it is the third installment in my "family pee stories" series.) so, this last time that my grandmother fell and was hospitalized she had to deal with the dreaded bedpan because she wasn't well enough to get up to use the bathroom.

it seems that bedpans are a pain in the ass not just because they are annoying to use but also because, according to my grandmother, the nurses take their sweet time getting the bedpan to you. she claims that she had to threaten to wet the bed before they would bring it and then once they did they liked to let her sit on it for an extended period of time. so not only would they not let her get up to pee, she had to suffer the added insult of sitting on her own excrement for longer than was strictly enjoyable.

one evening while my grandmother repeatedly pushed the call button, she enviously observed her bedridden and be-diapered roommate not having to deal with such discomfort and humiliation. sure, the lady was wearing a diaper but, at this point, a diaper sounded like heaven to my precariously perched grandmother. unfortunately she was considered too fit to be diaper-eligible.

so she suffered, relying on the whim of the busy nurse staff for permission to relieve herself. little did she know that the fact that the nurses were overworked would play to her advantage later that same day.

later that same day...

time to change the diapers! the roommate gets her fresh, new diaper in preparation for the evening. sighing, my grandmother prepares herself for an uncomfortable night (she pees a lot). but lo! what is this? the tired nurse is heading my grandmother's way with a diaper in hand. she seems to have overlooked the fact that my grandmother isn't supposed to get one. my grandmother starts to speak up. then she pauses. and smiles. and thanks the nurse for the diaper.

she said that it made her feel free and that it was like being a kid again. the simplicity of it was so refreshing. none of this getting up half asleep to go to the bathroom and pee or calling for tired nurses that refuse to come. if you need to go, you go. you can just pee in your pants. right there and it's considered to be ok. in fact, if you're wearing a diaper you are expected to pee in your pants. astounding! she made it sound so great that for a moment i was like, "dude, i want some diapers. they sound awesome!"

the next day my grandmother made the unfortunate mistake of telling my mother that she was wearing a diaper. my mother did not like this one bit and marched off to the nurse's station to let them know that her mother does not wear diapers!

that night, no diaper. just the familiar and dreaded bedpan. sighing, my grandmother prepared to ring the call button for the umpteenth time and vowed that if she is ever lucky enough to receive another diaper that she will never, ever mention it to my mother.

ah, the freedom of diapers. at least we have something to look forward to in our old age...

Friday, April 15, 2005

they said that california is the place you wanna be...



well, i'm not packing up just yet as the hemlocks are relying on me, but maybe one day.
hmm, i think i need a vacation. california anyone?

p.s. thanks to carrieoke (you rule) for making my blog look so pretty and not boring with my lovely new banner!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

working hard...

i did not personally write this, but i did contribute an idea or two to my labmates brainstorming (procrastination) session. this little number is inspired by those oh so oddly worded and indecipherable band descriptions in the flagpole and describes my labmates and myself perfectly. in other words, it makes no sense at all:
(side note- actual quote from this weeks flagpole: "HO-AG (Caledonia) -Pray for the Worms is the new album from this interesting Massachusetts five-piece, whose music is best described as "horror folk." Maybe "cave core." right.)
The Flagpole
A @ B on C

Jen-na-na and the Coweeta Quicksteppers
Hook-filled transhypnotica often dabbling in the realm of alt-Baroque
Bus Behind Little Kings, 8pm, $.55 cover

I am the world tractor center, featuring Breana Simmons
Beatnik Europop with a sharper edge comparable to Dan from I am the World Trade Center
Athens Feed & Seed, 10pm, free with any Round-Up purchase

Slang to Bang Time, featuring Becky Ball
Ecclectic afropop with Lynyrd Skynyrd-esque southern charm and a side of Tin Pan Alley
Classic Center Parking Deck, 9pm, K-Bob cover

DJ Astiggity Kyliggity
White Snake-style Math rock that grinds the sleeve of your sweater into the floor
Boneshakers, 11pm, $73 cover- transvestites get in free

Sofia Oat Patrol and the Fantasmoids
Hair metal dipped in Indian dance hall vibes sprinkled with warehouse grind core
J.R.’s Baitshack, 10pm, 7 rupee cover
keep in mind that most of us are studying soil and/or agroecosystems (except for me) and that all of us are crazy. crazy cool that is. let me know if you want to book my band for a show sometime. i'll try to learn a chord or two by show time. maybe.

Friday, April 08, 2005

wakeful interlude (restlessness)

if you've seen me out on the town more often recently, there's a reason. unfortunately i don't know what that reason is but i think it's something that has infected us all. by "us all" i mean all of you kids that i see out every night frequenting the bars alongside me. there's a force driving us out looking for something. making us stay out until 2 or later even when we're bored and the fun is nowhere to be found.

what is it that we're looking for while we're pretending (and maybe even believing) that we are thoroughly entertained and occupied by those at hand? what is driving us out into the night is not content or a simple desire to have fun. we are not content with our friends, with our chosen company, or, perhaps more tellingly, with ourselves. we're all searching.

the problem with this search is that we don't know what we're looking for so we continue on blindly and remain commonly isolated by our singular loneliness and discontent.

my fear is that this feature (or fixture?) of discontent in my life will never have that revelation (!)- will never recognize that missing element that i'm looking for. so i'll continue on searching for some unknowable thing that might not even exist. or if it does might pass me by in my ignorance.


on a side note, this is what i looke like after spending countless hours battling underbrush and wildlife while crawling up steep mountainous terrain. my reward was finding the largest hemlock tree i have ever seen. why is this very old hemlock still standing in a forest when it should have been logged 100 years ago with the rest of them? because no fool was willing to risk their lives to get it. ah, my job. i don't remember "risking your life for science" being in the description when i signed on.