car repairs and reconciliation

me and my jetta. together again. (in the background is my soon-to-be former home)

what follows is a car story of horror and possible eviction. read on. try not to enjoy it too much.

"fixing" your 1988 volkswagon jetta at athens automotive: 225$

replacing the catalytic converter on said car: 280$

fixing what was originally wrong with the car and replacing the parts of the engine that got burned up by the original "repair job": 280$

having a piece of shit car that you love for some stupid reason and can now drive again (once you pay to get an updated tag for it): no, not priceless. that shit has cost me over 750 dollars already and i still have to climb in from the passenger's side (75$ to fix door handle but, alas, i am finally out of money).

getting evicted from your apartment because you spent all of your money fixing your car: free (unless your landlord decides to sue you)

about me, personally.

so, i've gotten some nutty requests to make my blog more personal. to let myself open up and expose the dirt in my soul. the passions in my heart. right. if you know me at all, you know that is not very likely to happen. my blog, just as i am, is subtle in its emotional expression. its about me, sure, but you have to read between the lines to reach me. if you can't do that then you're just shit out of luck as my mama used to say.

in any case, since i cannot as yet be satisfyingly forthcoming with my internet friends i looked my name up on googlism.com to see what insights the internet has into my psyche. here are the ones i picked from the long list it supplied. that should give you a start at least.


this is me

"jenna is" (take one):

"jenna is not quite sure how it's all done but jenna is ecstatic jenna is insisting it is her decision alone jenna is feeling sick jenna is crazy about rod but wonders exactly where jenna is jenna is to imagine a television that has lost its reception jenna is torn about her future jenna is a really nice girl and really smart jenna is a slave jenna is more than a woman jenna is a chameleon jenna is all business on the wrestling mat jenna is going to be going on hiatus jenna is a cheerful and sociable girl with a strong independent streak jenna is insane to the point of absurdity jenna is soon displaced jenna is now dead jenna is in love with art jenna is no dumbass jenna is able to see visitors jenna is also befrinded by the novel's smartest character jenna is a wonderful shoesalesperson jenna is still with her rescuer but is searching for a forever home
jenna is waiting
jenna is like that also in real life"

what's the big deal? lake michigan is always full of shit.

granted, it's a bit unusual for it to get dumped onto the heads of unsuspecting tourists but is that really so out of character for chicago? don't get me wrong, i love chicago but it is the city renowned for the cow with arsenist tendencies, for roads full of gangstas bootlegging when they weren't too busy shooting eachother full of bullets, for the infamously disgusting meat packing industry which served as inspiration for animal farm, and now for dumping shit on its visitors. why not?

seriously though, lake michigan, while it may be beautiful, is a teeming cesspool of human excrement and garbage.

have you ever seen children frolicking among broken bottles, used condoms, half-eaten hamburgers, and the occassional half-buried hypodermic needle? yes folks, that's right. it's just another day at north avenue beach. bring the entire family. and don't forget to tell your kids to shit in the water. it's so much easier than taking bathroom breaks after all.

ok, i may be exaggerating, but only slightly. very slightly.

i actually went swimming in the lake once. it was amazing. it was dusk, the sun was going down and my friends and i had ridden out to the waterfront on our bikes. at the time we were fueled by more than a little alcohol and youthful exuberance. hey let's jump in the water! fully clothed of course. sounds awesome doesn't it? and it was. swimming in the dark with the chicago skyline lit up behind us. it was pretty amazing. until the next day that is.

the next day i was again riding my bike along the shoreline and i noticed all of these little silver things floating in the water. i could see them from the corner of my eye for the entire ride from where i lived a few miles north of downtown until i reached the spot where i had gone swimming the night before. "what the hell were they?" you might be inclined to ask. well, you guessed it. hundreds and hundreds of dead fish. gross.


hi, i'm a dead fish


ok, these are the actual dead fish from that day. not as pretty as the first picture, huh? reality. who needs it. moving on...

unfortunately these fish did not appear to be recently deceased either. they were so dead that even the gulls were leaving them alone. if you are as familiar with the gulls of lake michigan as i am you will realize the significance of their refusal to partake of such an easy meal. shit, even the fish that like to peck out the eyeballs of their dead cousins weren't having any of it. not a single eyeball missing from any one of those hundreds of unfortunate little guys.


the normally voracious residents of lake michigan

now, i never found out what caused the mass extinction of the fish but it was not long after that the entire lake was closed down. i'm not really sure how you close down a lake as large as lake michigan, but the city of chicago did it. or tried to at least. the reason: an accidental overflow from the sewage treatment plant. i no longer remember the exact number of gallons that spewed forth into the lake, but it was an impressively large amount. large enough to close down the lake in the middle of the summer (also known as "lake season" in chicago).

the two incidents may or may not be related but i can tell you this with certainty- i was not one of the many recreation seekers who took to the water three days later when the lake "reopened" to the public. no sir. not me.

the dead guy in my front yard

fact: there is a legitimate headstone underneath the magnolia tree in my front yard. it appears to be granite and reads as follows-

William Henry Parker
Sgt U.S. Army
Korea
Sept. 21, 1928
July 14, 1995

strange coincidence: my next door neighbor who has lived in his house for only three years just happens to have the name Henry Parker. he claims to know nothing of the grave and appears to be undisturbed by the fact that there is a headstone bearing his name in my yard. i find this odd.

theories as to why there is a headstone in my front yard (put forth by myself and friends with varying degrees of seriousness):

theroy 1) there is an actual dead person who was formerly known as William Henry Parker and served in the u.s. armed forces during the korean war buried in my front yard. under the magnolia tree.
why theory 1 (although my favorite) is unlikely to be true: i seriously doubt that it was legal a mere nine years ago to bury someone in a residential area. too bad.

theory 2) it is not an actual gravesite, but is still the final resting site for Mr. Parker's remains. it is possible that he was cremated and had his ashes scattered underneath his favorite magnolia tree which just happens to be in my front yard. his survivors (i like to imagine a kindly old widow) then had the headstone placed there in fond rememberance.
why theory 2 is unlikely: my house is currently owned by the former owner of big city bread who does not bear the surname Parker. she is also a fairly young woman who most likely lived in the house in 1995 when the ash scattering would have occured. i don't think she would have appreciated this very much.

theory 3) some punk kids that used to live in my house stole the headstone from a graveyard and put it under the tree because they thought it was funny. alcohol and extreme immaturity were likely to be involved in this scenario.
why theory 3 is likely: the headstone is not the only thing underneath the magnolia tree. there is also a broken decorative column, a plaster finial of some sort, and a couple of unfinished, polished slabs of marble. punk kids can be destructive and disrespectful of property. even the property of the dead.
why theory 3 is unlikely: punk kids would be too lazy to steal and carry all of that heavy stone unless it was perhaps part of a fraternity hazing ritual. there is, in fact, a large fraternity house across the street from me but that would still not explain why they put everything under my tree so we will move on.

theory 4) a stonecutter used to live in my house or in its vicinity sometime around 1995. William Henry Parker's widow was dissatisfied by the quality of the headstone she ordered to commemorate the death of her husband and refused to buy it. the stonecutter didn't really know what to do with it so he put it under the magnolia tree with the rest of his gravestone-making refuse. the limbs of the magnolia tree hid everything pretty well.
why theory 4 is both likely and unlikely: it's weird.

a final theory about who Mr. William Henry Parker was and what he did after retiring from the u.s. army: Henry was known to his friends as "Prince Rondaval" (for unknown reasons) and he went on to build that unique complex known as the "Prince Rondaval Apartments" which is located a few hundred feet from my house and the aforementioned magnolia tree. he wished to be buried under his favorite tree, close to the ultimate expression of his artistic and utilitarian vision.


one final word: if Henry (i think i can be on a first name basis with the dead guy in my yard) is actually buried under that tree, i hope that he isn't as disturbed as i am by the male resident of the prince rondaval apartment complex that yells incessantly every friday night. that yell could wake the dead and i'm not sure that is something that either Henry or i would want.

R.I.P. William Henry Parker


under the magnolia there lies a suprise...

words of enlightenment from our esteemed president, george w.

yeah, i know. you've already seen these. but they're so damn funny. in a horribly non-funny way.

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."


the inspiring george w. ( our soon to be EX-president).

i'm a liar

all of these years i've been telling people that i'm six feet tall even though i know that i'm not. here's the thing, i forgot that i'm really only 5'11 and 1/2. really. i've been lying to people for so long that i forgot the truth. i was convinced that i'm really six feet tall until i was measured the other day at the doctor's office. and then i remembered.

so now you know, i'm a liar. however, i refuse to take full responsibility for my lapse in character. you see, before i was a liar, when i used to tell people exactly how tall i am, no one ever believed me. i guess i just look that half inch taller. or maybe i'm supposed to round off. you know, like all men do- "yes, i'm 6 feet tall" (meaning really that he is about 5'10" with shoes on. shoes that have very thick soles). shit, does that mean i have to start telling people i'm 6'2"?

then i get the "there's no way you're only (only!?) six feet tall. that's how tall i am and you're taller than me." yeah, that's how tall you are in that little liar's head of yours that's now convinced itself that it the top of it truly does reach that 72 inch mark on the wall. keep dreaming buddy.

but i understand, really i do. remembering the truth just isn't that easy when your head is filled with so many better "truths".

maybe i should start telling people i'm 5'10". that's always seemed like such a nice height. if i say it enough times maybe i really will be 5'10". if i can convince myself then maybe i can convince my jeans and they will miraculously become long enough and i could live happily ever after with my long, legitimately frayed-on-the-bottom jeans. oh, to be so lucky. plus it would be fun to fuck with those guys that like to think they're taller than they are. if i'm only 5'10" that would make them about 5'7". ha. you know boys, i hear artfully placed trucker hats can add a couple of inches. plus thay cover that receding hairline perfectly.