two is not better than one

if i really wanted to grow up i would certainly have made some sort of real effort by now. not these indecisive half-attempts that have characterized the past six years of my life. the problem is that i want two things. maybe that doesn't sound so bad. after all, two is a relatively low number. i've always been a fan of even numbers. of pairs. so two is my number. unfortunately it doesn't work in this situation because what i want two of doesn't come in pairs. i want two lives and that just can't happen, can it?

my one life would be responsible and predictable and comfortable. i would have a satisfying career, a house, i'd probably get married and maybe have a child or two. i wouldn't be rich but i wouldn't have to eat only bananas and beans for a month either. i couldn't devote too much time to artistic endeavors, but i could certainly have a hobby. i never thought i would actually want such a traditional life but i do, in a way. i'm worn out and tired of wanting some unnamed thing and not knowing what my next move will be until i'm already halfway through it.

then again, i've got this image of another life in the back of my head. one that's spontaneous and artistic and wild and passionate. one where i say screw grad school and careers and head out for the great unknown. screw houses and steady jobs and car notes and marriage and just let me be without any of those bonds. just let me enjoy life. if i've only got the one it seems silly to be bored by it. but that life offers no hope of ever relaxing. of ever being content. it offers allure and excitement but if i never know what i'm looking for then it also offers no hope of ever being satisfied.

so i got back and forth. i want one thing and then the other. the constant warring in my head keeps me from committing to anything at all and so i stagnate until a choice if forced upon me by something outside of my control. i'm letting life happen to me and i know that this is not the right way to be. it is not the way i want to be but it is the way i am.

so i'm writing it out here so i can't change my mind. i have finally (drumroll) made a decision. i'm staying in athens for a few more years to go to graduate school. i may be still be inwardly fighting it, this narrowing down of my options, but i will let that other life go for now and try working towards a real goal. of course, i can't say whether the outcome of these next few years will lead me into career-mode or flight-mode but i'm at least buying myself a little time (and hopefully a little maturity) in the process.

(ok, now that i wrote that i'm feeling sick and i want to delete that last paragraph but i'm not going to. well, i might. ok, no. it stays. for now. but really, i'm staying in athens? fuck. ok. i guess i'm staying. but i want to go to spain or ireland instead. no, i said athens so athens it is. athens greece? sounds cool. i could lay on the beach all day and write bad poetry or something. no, not athens greece. athens georgia. right. well, i could do some experiments and get a graduate degree. that sounds...fun? no, i mean- that sounds like the responsible thing to do. yes, exactly.)