hating the "HEY!": rip the "hey" man

now, i don't have any confirmation that my one-time neighbor (known to me as the "hey" man) is actually deceased, but once i explain the meaning of his name, you will likely agree with my thought that no one in their right mind would allow the "hey" man to survive as their neighbor for very long. therefore, i am sorry to say that they "hey" man has probably become the unfortunate victim of a violent crime and is no longer with us.

rip the "hey" man.

i mentioned that no one would allow the "hey" man to be their neighbor for very long and yet i then referred to him as my one-time neighbor. confusing? yes, but let me explain. the "hey" man lived at the prince rondaval apartment complex. the only place on the face of the earth that could possibly put up with his idiosyncrasies. and then just barely (i heard quite a few angry words directed towards him but suprisingly never saw any actual violence).

the prince rondaval apartments themselves were unique to say the least. almost as unique as their one-time resident, the "hey" man. almost, but not quite. the origin of this structure remains unknown to me but it looked to be a one-time motel that was built in the late 60's or early 70's and later converted into apartments. very odd apartments. in fact, i don't think the majority of people on the athens board were very fond of them and most quite possibly considered them to be an eyesore. hence it's recent demolition.

rip the prince rondaval apartment complex.

i didn't actually live in the rondavals, but my house was right next door. right next door. so i had the "luck" to be within hearing distance of what went on outside the complex. you know- on the porches and in the parking lot, and, let me tell you, many interesting things went down outside that quirky little apartment building. but none so interesting as the "hey" man who became both the bane of my existence and the humor in it for the 6 months that i lived next to him.

my first introduction to the "hey" man occurred shortly after my move in. i believe that i was unpacking my kitchen supplies and i had the kitchen windows open as it was early summer and a beautiful day. i was listening to music and going about my business and then i heard someone singing opera. or at least trying to approximate operatic singing. i turned my music down to hear better and was greeted with some figaro-type singing that then descended into a tarzan yell and eventually ended with some canine howling. this went on for some time. at first i was amused. that was before i heard his signature "HEY!".

now, i'm going to try hard not to make fun of mr."hey" man because i'm certain that he must have some sort of mental condition (or five, or ten) that was complicated by his unchanging habit of sitting on his front porch, drinking something from a red dixie cup, and yelling at no one and everyone. seriously though, that man came close to driving me insane with his fucking "HEY!". the singing and even the howling i could handle, but there was something so unpredictable and jarring about every one of the thousands of HEY's i had to put up with that i had daydreams and regular dreams and constant fantasies of buying a gun, taking aim from my bedroom window, and... well you know. they were highly illegal fantasies to say the least.

for those of you who never experienced the "hey" man's "HEY!" i probably sound like the crazy one but i swear to you that if i ever go to hell, the worst punishment i could possibly imagine is hearing the "hey" man for all eternity. it would go something like this:

"HEY!...................HEY!..HEY!......HEY!.....HEY!....HEY!

HEY!..............................................HEY!....................HEY!....

................HEY!..................................................................................

.................................................................HEY!HEY..HEY!.............HEY!.....etc..."

as you can see, there is no pattern to the HEY's. no way to predict when the next one would happen, so once he began, i was constantly on edge. waiting for the next "HEY!" but never knowing when it would occur. and even when the "hey" man was blessedly silent i was still on edge because there was also no temporal scheme to his outbursts. no way to prepare for, say, his weekly sunday night "HEY!" session or whatever. sometimes he would "HEY!" on the weekends at 4 in the morning. other times it would be the middle of the day on tuesday. one particular time he started early thursday evening, was still going strong when i got home at 2 am, kept me up until 4, was presumably still going at it as i fitfully slept, and then woke me up again at 7am.

gotta love the "hey" man. his vocal stamina is equal to or greater than that of any barking dog, crying baby, hysterical woman, or ambulance siren i have ever heard. however, as much as i learned to despise the "hey" man, i did worry about his mental health. i mean, when i wasn't wishing an untimely death upon him.

you see, in most ways the "hey" man's outbursts were unpredictable, but he did have certain unchanging habits. like the fact that every time i saw him he would be sitting on his front porch, red cup in hand, wearing nothing but some old jeans and a ratty, tattered, straw cowboy hat. no shirt and no shoes (apparently he wasn't expecting any service). and when i say every time i saw him he was thus attired, i really mean every time. even in the middle of january during an ice storm. seriously. wandering around the parking lot with his trusty red cup, just a'HEYing to his little heart's content. i guess whatever he drank out of that cup must have done something to keep him warm. that and the insanity.

in any case, the "hey" man really added something intangible (and hopefully unrepeatable) to my life in athens that i will likely never forget. even so, i had sort of put him out of my mind until recently when i noticed that the prince rondaval apartment complex was suddenly gone. completely plowed over and erased within the span of a week. sadly, with the loss of the apartments came the loss of the "hey" man. granted, i no longer lived next door to him and i hated his guts (and most especially his vocal cords), but i'm feeling a bit nostalgic about athens as my time here nears its close. for the second time.

so anyway, this is my tribute to the "hey" man even though i really fucking hated that guy. may he rest in peace, or if he is still with us, may god help his poor neighbors.