i'm not really a scientist. i just play one on tv.

ok, so i'm not actually on tv nor am i actually a scientist, but i have spent the past two weeks getting a real life crash course in how to become a scientist- specifically an ecologist. i have learned the following so far:

• the main danger i will face when wandering around by myself in the woods is not the bears or rattlesnakes or vicious hornets that call the appalachians home. nor is getting hopelessly lost in the miles of uninhabited forest with only an old-school radio that might or might not work what i should fear most. nope. what i really need to watch out for are the hunters. especially the deer hunters that, according to my sources in the forest service, “shoot at anything that moves.” hello. i move. my only hope of surviving these beastly, drunken predators is to purchase a bright orange vest and hat (i think it's called "blaze orange"). you know the kind. even so there is no guarantee. i could just be a new, bright orange species of deer. after all, i move and that makes me fair game. awesome.

• most scientists see the sunrise every day. however, unlike myself who has until recently only seen the sunrise because i am up until dawn, they have slept all night and have to get up before six o’clock to get to work on time. yikes. that scares me more than the deer hunters. even my bright orange vest will be rendered useless in counteracting this reprehensible situation.

• it is fucking cold at 7am in the mountains in february. seriously. fucking. cold. seriously.

• perhaps you remember the phrase “form equals function” from your introductory biology course? i would like to present to you my new theory on what scientists equate with fashion. i call it “jenna’s universal theory of scientific fashion equals function.” sounds impressive doesn't it? the basic hypothesis of this theory is that the more functional an item of clothing is, the more desirable and “fashionable” it becomes. for example, a vest is very “fashionable” among the scientific community. especially if it has lots of pockets to put stuff in. the more pockets you have, the more stuff you can carry and the more functional and, hence, fashionable the vest is considered to be. the same pocket trend holds true for pants and jackets and backpacks and pretty much anything else. pockets are perhaps the height of haute couture among scientific trendsetters. another giant among the functionally fashionable are waterproof materials. gore tex, polyurethane- you name it, if its waterproof, its a “must have” for any season. as you can imagine, with my meager outdoor experience, i am an obvious fashion no, no among my new colleagues. “what, they make waterproof pants?” (of course) and “what are waders?” (rubber overalls with attached rubber boots that make you feel like you have a giant rubber band around your legs because the crotch of the pants is inexplicably at knee level. this feature seriously impedes walking while making your body appear about three times as long as your legs because of the questionable placement of the crotch area. but hey, they are waterproof. ‘nuff said.). finally, as i mentioned earlier, to avoid becoming a hunting statistic (function) blaze orange is considered the “new black” out in the field (fashion).

• lastly, i have learned that i need to get my lazy self into shape quick. otherwise even if the bears or snakes or hunters don’t get me a heart attack will.

until next time this has been a report from coweeta hydrologic laboratory in otto, north carolina and this is jenna signing off so i can get to bed and wake up to see the sunrise. wish me luck as i do not yet have anything either waterproof or orange or pocket-laden to protect me out in yonder wild wilderness. i’ll be back in athens on thursday. if i survive until then i would not be opposed to enjoying some company and a beer or two (dozen) upon my return. scientists like beer. thank god- there is hope for me yet!