fact: there is a legitimate headstone underneath the magnolia tree in my front yard. it appears to be granite and reads as follows-
William Henry Parker
Sgt U.S. Army
Korea
Sept. 21, 1928
July 14, 1995
strange coincidence: my next door neighbor who has lived in his house for only three years just happens to have the name Henry Parker. he claims to know nothing of the grave and appears to be undisturbed by the fact that there is a headstone bearing his name in my yard. i find this odd.
theories as to why there is a headstone in my front yard (put forth by myself and friends with varying degrees of seriousness):
theroy 1) there is an actual dead person who was formerly known as William Henry Parker and served in the u.s. armed forces during the korean war buried in my front yard. under the magnolia tree.
why theory 1 (although my favorite) is unlikely to be true: i seriously doubt that it was legal a mere nine years ago to bury someone in a residential area. too bad.
theory 2) it is not an actual gravesite, but is still the final resting site for Mr. Parker's remains. it is possible that he was cremated and had his ashes scattered underneath his favorite magnolia tree which just happens to be in my front yard. his survivors (i like to imagine a kindly old widow) then had the headstone placed there in fond rememberance.
why theory 2 is unlikely: my house is currently owned by the former owner of big city bread who does not bear the surname Parker. she is also a fairly young woman who most likely lived in the house in 1995 when the ash scattering would have occured. i don't think she would have appreciated this very much.
theory 3) some punk kids that used to live in my house stole the headstone from a graveyard and put it under the tree because they thought it was funny. alcohol and extreme immaturity were likely to be involved in this scenario.
why theory 3 is likely: the headstone is not the only thing underneath the magnolia tree. there is also a broken decorative column, a plaster finial of some sort, and a couple of unfinished, polished slabs of marble. punk kids can be destructive and disrespectful of property. even the property of the dead.
why theory 3 is unlikely: punk kids would be too lazy to steal and carry all of that heavy stone unless it was perhaps part of a fraternity hazing ritual. there is, in fact, a large fraternity house across the street from me but that would still not explain why they put everything under my tree so we will move on.
theory 4) a stonecutter used to live in my house or in its vicinity sometime around 1995. William Henry Parker's widow was dissatisfied by the quality of the headstone she ordered to commemorate the death of her husband and refused to buy it. the stonecutter didn't really know what to do with it so he put it under the magnolia tree with the rest of his gravestone-making refuse. the limbs of the magnolia tree hid everything pretty well.
why theory 4 is both likely and unlikely: it's weird.
a final theory about who Mr. William Henry Parker was and what he did after retiring from the u.s. army: Henry was known to his friends as "Prince Rondaval" (for unknown reasons) and he went on to build that unique complex known as the "Prince Rondaval Apartments" which is located a few hundred feet from my house and the aforementioned magnolia tree. he wished to be buried under his favorite tree, close to the ultimate expression of his artistic and utilitarian vision.
one final word: if Henry (i think i can be on a first name basis with the dead guy in my yard) is actually buried under that tree, i hope that he isn't as disturbed as i am by the male resident of the prince rondaval apartment complex that yells incessantly every friday night. that yell could wake the dead and i'm not sure that is something that either Henry or i would want.
R.I.P. William Henry Parker
under the magnolia there lies a suprise...
William Henry Parker
Sgt U.S. Army
Korea
Sept. 21, 1928
July 14, 1995
strange coincidence: my next door neighbor who has lived in his house for only three years just happens to have the name Henry Parker. he claims to know nothing of the grave and appears to be undisturbed by the fact that there is a headstone bearing his name in my yard. i find this odd.
theories as to why there is a headstone in my front yard (put forth by myself and friends with varying degrees of seriousness):
theroy 1) there is an actual dead person who was formerly known as William Henry Parker and served in the u.s. armed forces during the korean war buried in my front yard. under the magnolia tree.
why theory 1 (although my favorite) is unlikely to be true: i seriously doubt that it was legal a mere nine years ago to bury someone in a residential area. too bad.
theory 2) it is not an actual gravesite, but is still the final resting site for Mr. Parker's remains. it is possible that he was cremated and had his ashes scattered underneath his favorite magnolia tree which just happens to be in my front yard. his survivors (i like to imagine a kindly old widow) then had the headstone placed there in fond rememberance.
why theory 2 is unlikely: my house is currently owned by the former owner of big city bread who does not bear the surname Parker. she is also a fairly young woman who most likely lived in the house in 1995 when the ash scattering would have occured. i don't think she would have appreciated this very much.
theory 3) some punk kids that used to live in my house stole the headstone from a graveyard and put it under the tree because they thought it was funny. alcohol and extreme immaturity were likely to be involved in this scenario.
why theory 3 is likely: the headstone is not the only thing underneath the magnolia tree. there is also a broken decorative column, a plaster finial of some sort, and a couple of unfinished, polished slabs of marble. punk kids can be destructive and disrespectful of property. even the property of the dead.
why theory 3 is unlikely: punk kids would be too lazy to steal and carry all of that heavy stone unless it was perhaps part of a fraternity hazing ritual. there is, in fact, a large fraternity house across the street from me but that would still not explain why they put everything under my tree so we will move on.
theory 4) a stonecutter used to live in my house or in its vicinity sometime around 1995. William Henry Parker's widow was dissatisfied by the quality of the headstone she ordered to commemorate the death of her husband and refused to buy it. the stonecutter didn't really know what to do with it so he put it under the magnolia tree with the rest of his gravestone-making refuse. the limbs of the magnolia tree hid everything pretty well.
why theory 4 is both likely and unlikely: it's weird.
a final theory about who Mr. William Henry Parker was and what he did after retiring from the u.s. army: Henry was known to his friends as "Prince Rondaval" (for unknown reasons) and he went on to build that unique complex known as the "Prince Rondaval Apartments" which is located a few hundred feet from my house and the aforementioned magnolia tree. he wished to be buried under his favorite tree, close to the ultimate expression of his artistic and utilitarian vision.
one final word: if Henry (i think i can be on a first name basis with the dead guy in my yard) is actually buried under that tree, i hope that he isn't as disturbed as i am by the male resident of the prince rondaval apartment complex that yells incessantly every friday night. that yell could wake the dead and i'm not sure that is something that either Henry or i would want.
R.I.P. William Henry Parker
under the magnolia there lies a suprise...
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