wakeful interlude (restlessness)

if you've seen me out on the town more often recently, there's a reason. unfortunately i don't know what that reason is but i think it's something that has infected us all. by "us all" i mean all of you kids that i see out every night frequenting the bars alongside me. there's a force driving us out looking for something. making us stay out until 2 or later even when we're bored and the fun is nowhere to be found.

what is it that we're looking for while we're pretending (and maybe even believing) that we are thoroughly entertained and occupied by those at hand? what is driving us out into the night is not content or a simple desire to have fun. we are not content with our friends, with our chosen company, or, perhaps more tellingly, with ourselves. we're all searching.

the problem with this search is that we don't know what we're looking for so we continue on blindly and remain commonly isolated by our singular loneliness and discontent.

my fear is that this feature (or fixture?) of discontent in my life will never have that revelation (!)- will never recognize that missing element that i'm looking for. so i'll continue on searching for some unknowable thing that might not even exist. or if it does might pass me by in my ignorance.


on a side note, this is what i looke like after spending countless hours battling underbrush and wildlife while crawling up steep mountainous terrain. my reward was finding the largest hemlock tree i have ever seen. why is this very old hemlock still standing in a forest when it should have been logged 100 years ago with the rest of them? because no fool was willing to risk their lives to get it. ah, my job. i don't remember "risking your life for science" being in the description when i signed on.